Forbidden Addiction
by nightdancers
Summary: Every time was better than the last. Every time I felt like I reached a new dizzying high, a more thorough drunkenness. This should have scared me, I think. But I was arrogant... or maybe just stupid." Post-Twilight, Pre-NM. Four parts.
1. Forbidden Addiction

**disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer, these are not my characters.  
author's note: This story takes place in the summer after Twilight, before New Moon. It is different from my other stories, and because of the subject matter, OOCish. You'll see why. Please read and review, let me know what you think :)

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**Forbidden Addiction**

_I'm still not sure what possessed me to agree to it. It was much too horrific, too inhuman, too savage. That's what it must have been, some sort of demonic possession. Nothing else would have made me accept this. _

_Unless _I _was the demon. _

_Yes, that made much more sense. I was the terrifying demon sent to corrupt and drain Bella until she was nothing but a weak shadow of her former self. I was the demon, sent to take advantage of her loving and giving and innocent nature. To take her perpetual goodness and twist it in such a way that it would be her own downfall. There was absolutely no reason why I shouldn't burn for all eternity in the deepest level of hell for this. _

_Because the worst part was – I enjoyed it. _

"Edward, love, it really is okay." Her sweet voice sounded tired, probably from repeating the same thing over and over for the last half hour.

We were both lying on her bed in the dead heat of summer, the sun filtering in the window from time to time, rays bouncing off my skin. Her father was gone fishing for the day, and we were taking advantage of the time alone. Bella was nearly lying on top of me, her fragile body pressed against me. She claimed it was to help with the heat, but would never allow me to fix the house's air conditioning. To be honest, I didn't mind too much.

"Dangerous. So dangerous," I managed to get in between pressing light butterfly kisses along her cheeks, jaw, eyelids – anywhere I could easily reach. "I swear, I will never understand you," I added for good measure, pressing my face against the crook of her neck with a sigh. It was times like these I would give anything to be able to read her mind, to know why she insisted so much. But no matter how hard I tried, her mind remained shrouded in mystery.

Bella lifted herself so that she could see me, her warm hand cupping my cheek tenderly. "I only want to make you happy. Is that so difficult to understand?"

I turned to press my lips to the palm of her hand, taking in her absolutely intoxicating scent at the same time. My throat had already burst into flames hours ago, so I figured a little more couldn't hurt. "Not this way. I'm happy just being here with you. Your mere presence is more than enough."

She wrinkled her nose in the most adorable way, and then sighed theatrically. "It doesn't have to be this way every time. Honestly, you make life so difficult." There was no anger, no annoyance in her voice, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. Sometimes, I wanted her to be angry with me. My mind longed for her to stop giving, to shove me away like the monster that I was. She desperately needed to see that I was so very wrong for her.

Before I had a decent chance to build up my already weak argument she leaned down, concentrating her scent that much more. Her full lips pressed against mine, and I gave up fighting her. I raised both of my hands to hold her head steady against me, one cupping her cheek and the other burying itself in her hair. The saturation of her tantalizing scent in moments like this was almost too much. She was everywhere; I could feel her, smell her, taste her. My throat was searingly painful, and my whole body wanted nothing more than to attack, but I forced myself to just kiss her. The dictionary definitely needed a new entry for masochism.

We only separated when Bella broke away, gasping for air. I immediately dropped my lips to her neck, hoping she would forget, fervently wishing she hadn't. Wishing was stronger than hoping. Her breathless voice broke the silence of the room. "Do it, Edward." Reluctantly I stopped kissing her, raising my eyes to meet her steady gaze.

_I would never forget the first time. Three weeks after prom we had traveled to the meadow, and it was then that she had brought it up. My argument had been much stronger then – I had come so close to losing her that there was no way I would risk her life again so soon. That day I had completely shot down the idea, and she had quietly let it go. But Bella was persistent over the following weeks. She kept bringing it up suddenly, trying to catch me off guard. At first I wouldn't even allow discussion of the topic. It was utterly unimaginable... or so I thought._

_Slowly but surely, the idea became embedded in my mind. Despite myself, I started thinking about it frequently whenever I was alone. I would toy with the idea for a short while before sternly telling myself to let it go. I would remind myself of how sweet and tender Bella was, how she deserved more. _

_And then I would remember her scent, how unforgettable the taste of her blood was. I was too weak, and eventually I caved._

_The first time we were in her room. I had taken precautions – bandages, special medications, a cell phone with Carlisle's number already dialed. She was so good and forgiving to me that day, much more than I deserved. And it was been so, so very sweet, absolutely intoxicating. Impossible to stop. But somehow amidst the frenzy, I had managed. After all, I still loved Bella more than my own life._

"Are you ready?" My voice was barely a whisper, shaking as I realized the futility of resisting any longer. I took her arm very gently in my hand, moving her so that the crease of her elbow was before my face. The tip of my nose skimmed along the soft flesh there, down her forearm and back up again. I could smell the blood pulsing just underneath her porcelain skin, waiting for me. My mouth was already overflowing with venom in anticipation.

Bella had shifted her body to give me better access, so that now she was only halfway atop me. She was supporting herself with her free arm, the bed creaking as she fidgeted slightly. "Yes," she replied, with more calm than the situation warranted. I found it eerie, that this didn't scare her as it should, but I didn't want to think about that now. If I was taking the risk, like the sick animal that I was, I wanted to enjoy it.

No matter how many times we did this, it always took me a few moments to build up the nerve. Precious seconds ticked by, and I could tell Bella was doing her best not to tremble. Her heart was racing, faster than was healthy, but it just whetted my thirst all the more. It meant the blood would rush out all the faster. I leaned down, pressing a soft kiss right over the vein before opening my mouth.

One of the scary things was how easy it was. There was no resistance whatsoever. My teeth cut through her skin effortlessly, creating a tiny incision less than a centimeter across. I never bit her properly, not only because of scarring, but because I was terrified of allowing too much blood to flow. It was already so difficult to stop.

I did my best to keep venom out of the wound, but it hopeless. My poison flowed into her body and her blood flowed out to me. The initial rush was heady, maddening. It gave me the ultimate sense of primal ownership – like drinking her blood made her mine and mine alone. But that wasn't all of it.

Bella's tantalizing scent was _nothing_ compared to the taste of her sweet blood. It was so delicious, delectable, amazing, fantastic – in short, indescribable. Tasting it made me nearly delirious, a sensation a thousand times better – worse? – than being drunk or high. I lost all sense of space and time and reason. Her marvelous blood flooded my mouth and suddenly I forgot about everything except getting more and more and more.

My lips closed around the wound, preventing any outside air from tampering with the wondrous taste. I suckled the incision carefully, sure to savor every last drop my tongue came in contact with. Eventually the dizzying taste of her blood came back mingled with my own venom, but I didn't care. If I was careful I could ignore the taste of my venom, focus only on the sweet blood. In that moment, nothing else existed, and I wanted so badly for this to last forever.

"Edward." Her voice, so quiet, abruptly interrupted my frenzy. I was suddenly overwhelmed with crushing guilt. It wasn't until then that I realized I had made the wound bigger, was drinking more than was safe. Even now her voice was weak, sounding almost broken. I gripped Bella's arm, tighter than I should have. My eyes were clenched tight, refusing to believe I had to stop so soon. It couldn't be that I was only able to feed my addiction for so little time.

_It never became any easier to stop. Each and every time was like the first in that respect – it took every single ounce of my self control and then some. Oftentimes it was only her voice that could pull me back, but I still struggled so much to pull my lips away and seal the wound. I wondered sometimes whether that's what Bella planned. Whether she hoped that one day I wouldn't have the self control to cleanse her body of the venom, and that it would turn her. She should have known I would never allow that. I always made sure to wipe away all traces of what had happened. _

_But sometimes I wondered how I could dare toy with Fate so much. Alice's visions of a red-eyed vampire Bella were occurring much more often now, almost as solid as visions of a human Bella. They scared me too, almost as much as thoughts of draining her dry. I couldn't help but wonder whether my sister's more frequent visions were connected to my new dangerous addiction._

_That was the only way to describe it – an addiction. I was utterly hooked to my personal brand of heroin, but it was so much worse than any other drug. My loving Bella risked so much every time I took a 'hit.' She risked her life, her humanity, and in turn, her soul. All to please me. _

_I truly deserved hell._

Bella's gasp of pain broke through the fog of my feeding. I groaned at the noise, knowing my blood fix was coming to an end. Soon I would no longer be able to taste this blood, the sweetest of nectars. My body utterly rejected the idea, coaxing me to drink more. I frantically tried to gather my wits about me, but the taste of her blood had completely taken over my ability to think. Just a little more...

_And she'll die_. Another gasp of pain, and suddenly my mind was crystal clear. _I can't be doing this to her_. I forced my eyes open, choking back a muffled sob when I saw Bella's limp body nearly collapsed on top of me. With as much care as I was able to manage, I slowed my drinking down to a trickle. My only purpose now was to drain her body of any lingering venom, stop the intense burning I was sure she was feeling. Only when her blood tasted clean did I slowly drag my lips away from the open wound. A quick run of my tongue over the incision sealed the flow of blood, and with a shaking hand I finally released her arm from my tight grasp. By the time I let her go I was gasping from the effort.

A few moments passed in silence. Then I carefully sat up against the headboard and drew Bella into my arms. Her eyes drooped shut and she curled up against me, her face white as a sheet, her heart thrumming like a hummingbird's wings. These moments were the worst. The guilt was overwhelming, clashing greatly with the residual effects of my high. I hated myself, hated the demon that I was to take advantage of my love this way. "Bella, Bella love, I'm so sorry. So very sorry," I mumbled against her hair, cradling her to me.

I didn't dare kiss her with the taste of her blood fresh in my mouth, so I settled for stroking her hair and face. She seemed to understand, letting me console her in silence for a few moments. When she did speak up her voice was even weaker than before. "I'm alright." I didn't believe her; I knew I had taken too much blood this time, more than was healthy. And what was worse – it would take her longer to recover, longer until I could take my next hit... I desperately tried to stop my train of thought, but her trusting voice did it for me. "I love you Edward."

She was too much, infinitely more than I deserved. "You silly, silly girl." I kissed the top of her head with tightly closed lips, sighing against her sweet scent. "I love you, so much."

_I was always most desperate after drinking her blood. It never satiated the extreme craving, just made it worse. I could never face my family afterwards. After making sure Bella was strong enough to resist my absence, I would run away as quickly as possible. Sometimes to the coast, to the mountains – anywhere where my family wouldn't be. Once I was alone I would gorge on animal blood, until I was utterly sick of it. It was like a punishment, I suppose. Allow myself to merely taste the sweetest of nectars, only to wash it down with repugnant animal blood._

_Every time I swore it would be the last. I swore that I was in control, that I could stop drinking her blood whenever I truly wanted. That was how an addiction worked, I guess. You always think you're in control, when really, the addiction controls you. _

_I know this, and yet I do nothing to stop it. Bella's blood remains an addiction so sweet, so horrifying. So forbidden._


	2. Secret Keeping

**Secret Keeping**

_It's difficult to hide things from my family. Between incredibly heightened senses, Jasper's ability to sense emotions, and Alice's ability to see the future, it is virtually impossible to keep a secret._

_But I was so ashamed of what I was doing to Bella that I went to extreme lengths to do so. I took extra care with the color of my eyes, my emotions, my attitudes. There were some things I was forced to leave unexplained, of course, but for the most part they seemed to ignore these. Esme never asked why I was sometimes gone for so long hunting alone, and Jasper never asked why I was so anxious when I came home. They both assumed it was nothing to worry about._

_The only one I wasn't sure of was Alice. I knew she saw visions of a vampire Bella, but I still wasn't quite sure whether she saw me drinking her blood. From my ability, I learned very little – my closest sister was very capable of hiding her thoughts from me. I could never confront her about it either; I couldn't work up the nerve._

_So I carefully and cautiously fed my addiction, hoping against hope my family would never find out. After all, I was stopping soon. Just once more. One more time._

"Are you sure?" Bella soft voice was muffled, her face resting against my chest as we lounged on the couch. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulders, my free hand idly playing with both of hers. We were supposed to be watching some movie or other, but I was much more interested in the angel sitting next to me. From time to time I would stroke her hair, caress her face, press soft kisses to her forehead. To me, it was like a form of atonement. She deserved all of the love I could give her.

At her question I gave her shoulders the tiniest of squeezes, leaning my head to rest it against hers. "Yes, I'm sure, Bella. Believe me, it wouldn't be healthy. It's too soon. Besides, I'm not even thirsty."

That was, of course, a lie. It had been one week since I had last tasted her blood. Seven days since I had let my razor-sharp teeth cut through her skin, down to the pulsing blood underneath. One hundred and sixty-eight hours since I had fed the addiction... But I knew it was too soon.

I didn't need my two degrees in Biology and years of medical school to realize this. Last time I had accidentally made her wound bigger in my frenzy. Instead of stopping, I had kept drinking and drinking. She had lost too much blood. I had taken all of the proper precautions afterwards – gave her something to eat, carried her back upstairs, made sure she rested – but it had shaken me.

It had made me realize that perhaps... perhaps I wasn't as much in control as I liked to believe. The thought was absolutely frightening.

"Alright," she replied, her words half turning into a yawn. I wanted to ask why she wasn't pressing the issue today, but she was too adorable to interrupt. She had wiggled against me, and released one hand from mine to throw that arm around my middle. Her body warmth felt amazing, but the content sigh that escaped her lips was even better. "Alice wanted me to come over later, but I think I'd rather stay here."

I couldn't help but smile at her words, though they pained me. Bella truly wanted my company too much for her own good. No matter how many times I tried to explain that I could hurt her, that besides the perpetual thirst there was my strength to put her in danger, she always said she felt safe. Honestly, she hadn't the faintest trace of survival instinct.

"Hmm, maybe we should get going then. We wouldn't want to make the little pixie mad," I muttered with a somewhat nervous chuckle.

_I had always been closest with Alice. Perhaps it was because of our abilities – we always knew too much, and sought refuge from this in each other's company. Our bond had only grown with the introduction of Bella into my life. I was constantly growing more dependent on my sister's visions, in an attempt to keep her safe._

_Alice never complained once about helping me, because she was growing close to Bella as well. The two had become good friends over the summer. They spent a lot of time together around the house, watching movies, going for a swim in the river, or with Bella trying to avoid Alice's pampering. I enjoyed watching them, even if it meant losing some alone time with my love. I could see her happiness through my sister's eyes, and that was almost enough._

_I suppose I should have seen it coming. I knew my sister was watching Bella's future, whether I asked her to or not. She was bound to see even the smallest of risks. How could I _not_ expect her to see the extreme danger I was putting Bella in every time I pressed my lips to her delicate veins?_

We stayed alone at Bella's house for a little while longer, but eventually headed back to my home in the Volvo. Alice greeted us on the porch, skipping out to the passenger's side door before I could. The door was open and my beloved was flying away before I even had a chance to answer my sister's thoughts. _I thought I told you not to hog her, Edward_.

I saw Bella give me a smile and shrug as she was put back on her feet in front of the house. Alice ushered her inside soon after, much to my dismay and Bella's amusement. There was no use in following them, since I wasn't often allowed to share their time together. This meant I was stuck, with my beloved painfully close and yet kept from me. To add to my torture, I decided to stay in the Volvo a few precious minutes more. The sweetest of scents had sunken into the car's interior now, almost as delicious as the real thing. If I closed my eyes I could almost imagine her still with me... a little longer and I could taste her mouth-watering blood on my tongue...

"Edward, do you want to come swimming with us?" My eyes snapped open at Bella's question, the smile evident in her voice even as it carried through the glass of windshield. I realized I must have looked like some bloodthirsty idiot sitting in the car, imagining things I should never have had, but there was nothing on her face indicating that's what she saw. Instead, there was that distinctive loving, smiling, radiant expression she reserved only for me.

In less than half a second I had swung open the door of the Volvo and jumped out, rushing to where Alice and Bella stood on the porch. My sister was already wearing a black two-piece swimsuit that made her look even paler than normal, a packed duffel bag over her arm. She had a smug smile on her face, to go with the smug thoughts of, _You owe me one. _I waved the thoughts away quickly in favor of looking at my love. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see what Bella wore – she had a bright green beach towel wrapped snugly around her, only allowing me a glance at her shapely calves and delicate shoulders.

I suppressed a groan at this, but consoled myself by looking forward to an afternoon of swimming in the river with Bella... and Alice too, I suppose. My thoughts drifted to what that future might hold, but stopped abruptly when I realized I was severely limited until I knew what she was wearing. I was about to start probing Alice's mind when an amused voice interrupted me.

"Well? Do you want to come or not?"

My eyes widened at the prospect of not going, and I immediately nodded. "Yes, of course love. I'll be out in a second." Without waiting for an answer I flitted past the two into the house, giving Esme a passing smile before sprinting up to my room. It took me a matter of seconds to throw off my clothes, throw on the swim trunks carefully arranged on my couch, and rush downstairs again.

I only slowed to a stop when I was in front of Bella again, tempted to throw her on my back to get to the river faster. My arms were halfway outstretched to her when I noticed a slightly dazed look in her eyes. Alice let out something between a laugh and a snort, realizing at the same time as I did what was going on.

It seemed that Bella was utterly entranced by the sight of me, wearing only swim trunks. Her eyes were traveling up and down my exposed chest, her breathing becoming a bit more erratic the longer she looked. I wasn't quite sure how to react. A few seconds passed by in this manner, until I cleared my throat and finished reaching out to caress her face. At my touch the spell over her broke, and she glanced up at me with a shy smile. Her cheeks flooded with color, and I tensed. The moment, so perfect, was shattered by an errant thought – _how warm her blood must be..._

"Well, time to get going. Jasper is coming home from hunting in three hours and forty six minutes and I would like to be here when he gets back." Alice's words, casual and teasing on the surface, sounded too tense to my ears. My eyes flickered to hers and I immediately probed her mind, but she was already thinking hard about the following week's weather.

Something was amiss. I didn't have time to think about it before Bella spoke, oblivious to the minute tension between Alice and I. "Sounds great Alice."

_The only hint I ever had that my future-seeing sister suspected something was a short encounter about two weeks after the third time._

_I had been spending the afternoon at home to give Bella some time alone with Charlie, and to force myself to manage the insane thirst. Those first few times, no matter how much I hunted, a second in my love's company and I was already forcing back venom. It was ridiculous, how much tasting her blood made me want it all the more. And though I was allowing myself another 'hit' the next day, I wanted to restrict myself today. Music was my method of reintroducing self control._

_The rest of the family had been out and about; Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper were out hunting, Rosalie and Emmett on their own personal rendezvous, and Alice supposedly shopping on her own. But I was midway through a personal rendition of Beethoven's _Eroica_ when the little pixie suddenly showed up, her slender fingers pressing down a dissonant chord and throwing off the piece._

_I wasn't too bothered, turning to glance at her out of the corner of my eye. "Did you forget your credit card?" I asked, trying to keep my voice amused even as I searched out her reason for returning. I was hoping for something along the lines of money, or a change in the weather forecast, but instead my sister was reciting the notes on the sheet of music slowly, deliberately. _

_This not only confused me, but terrified me. My own thoughts were already racing, wondering if she had somehow seen my planned feeding tomorrow. Perhaps she had envisioned Bella bleeding to the death on the floor of her room as I had my fill... Bella gasping in pain as I greedily took from her... the images sent a horrified shudder through me, which I'm sure Alice felt._

_Abruptly, her mental reciting of notes stopped, and her thoughts flickered to a vision she had seen earlier. There was Bella on her bed, writhing in terrible pain, her mouth open in a silent scream. The blood staining the sheets told both my sister and I what caused this future Bella's pain – transformation. The day calendar, just barely visible in the back right corner of her desk, showed tomorrow's date._

_Alice's voice was barely audible as she finally spoke aloud. "You aren't the only one that loves her. I want to keep her safe, Edward." Her tone was grave, saying a thousand things she didn't dare give voice to. I turned to face her, question her, but she was already halfway across the room, her back to me. _

_I should have known it was time to stop back then. But I had tasted the forbidden fruit. There were some days I was forced to admit that there was no stopping now._

The afternoon passed amiably. Alice and I took turns teasing Bella, and showing off our ability to stay endlessly underwater. Our skin reflected the occasional rays of sunlight, which then shimmered and bounced off the water's surface – this seemed to be what Bella most enjoyed watching.

I personally got to enjoy my girlfriend's swimsuit, which turned out to be a dark blue two-piece set with golden accents. It was modest, showing only a small sliver of her stomach, but I absolutely loved it. I made sure to remind Bella of this every chance I got, which rewarded me with beautiful blushes. It was those blushes, the shy smiles, laughs, playful gestures, that reminded me every second of why I was so in love with her. Over the course of her afternoon, the thoughts of blood never returned to my mind.

At precisely three hours and forty-three minutes, Alice splashed out of her place in the river, her eyes glowing. Neither of us needed to ask why she was so excited, and Bella began carefully standing up from the long dried up branch she had perched on.

And then everything happened almost too fast.

I saw the vision in Alice's mind a split second after she did. I saw Bella about six seconds into the future, stepping down from the log and onto some loose gravel underneath. The gravel would be wet, and my ever-clumsy love would slip and throw herself forward onto the tiny stretch of beach. Her right calf would land precisely the wrong way on a sharp piece of stone, cutting through her delicate skin and revealing bright red blood underneath.

But that wasn't the worst part. The vision continued, and I heard myself growl quietly. I saw my future self catch the scent of Bella's exposed blood, and immediately jump to her. Before I could even pause to think about the ramifications I had her bleeding calf in my hands, suckling the unbelievably delicious blood. The venom began pooling my mouth, and for a moment I wanted nothing more than that future.

My sister hissed when two long, painful seconds passed and I didn't move. In less than half a second she had flitted to Bella and grabbed her by the waist, effectively lifting her off the ground and away from danger. I could see the confusion on Bella's face, but before I had a chance to explain my sister was whisking her away back to the house, murmuring apologies as they went.

I remained at the river, my vampire mind still somewhat unable to process what had just happened. I had been willing to risk Bella's wellbeing. I had done nothing to prevent her from being in danger. But one thing grounded me most.

There had been absolutely no surprise in Alice's eyes.


	3. Last Time

**Last Time**

_Alice confronted me about the incident at the river as soon as Bella left. There was a quiet fury in her eyes; it seemed for a moment like she was quite ready to snap my head off._

What was that?_ Her thoughts were virtually screaming at me, heavy with both anger and something else... sadness? I could pick out the images of her vision in some darker corner of her mind... even the distant memory of exposed blood was making my mouth water._

_I kept my head down, refusing to meet her eyes any longer. I honestly didn't know what to say. How was I supposed to explain that I had wanted another fix for my addiction more than Bella's own safety? Could I possibly tell my closest sister that I had wanted my mate's blood a thousand times more because I had already sampled it? Because I knew precisely how incredibly amazing it tasted? _

_It seemed that my silence said more than I possibly could. Alice huffed under her breath, letting out a low, drawn out breath. When I chanced a glance at her, the frustration from before was reduced, but she still looked tense. When she directed her thoughts at me again, her 'voice' was quieter, but still bubbling just under the surface_.Keep her safe. That's all I want, Edward, and that's all _you_ should want too.

_As much as it pained me to admit, she was perfectly right. The demon that I was dared to desire Bella's blood, more than anything else. I was losing control, and quickly. Alice touched my arm briefly, her eyes searching, seeking my promise. I only nodded once, before pulling away from her. It wasn't a promise, but it was as close as I could get._

Despite what I let my sister believe, being exposed to the vision of Bella's blood, to another possibility of tasting it, had increased my desperation a thousandfold. It made me restless, anxious, utterly impossible to be around. The next few times I saw Bella I wanted nothing but for her to offer her blood to me, to give me a chance to reach the unreachable high. It was so very wrong, but I couldn't help myself.

I was out of control. I was driven by the addiction. And I didn't _really_ want to stop.

Another week passed, and for some unfathomable reason, Bella didn't suggest I taste her blood. It might have been end-of-summer laziness, a belated survival instinct, or perhaps she was frightened by whatever my sister told her that day at the river. Whatever it was, she was often content just idling the time away in each other's arms, or spending time with my family. I should have been ecstatic just with this. And partially, I was.

I was happy with having Bella in my arms. I was happy with seeing her smile, laugh, blush. But I wanted more than that. I desired her _blood_.

My long awaited day came just a week before school was scheduled to start, nearly three weeks after the day at the river. It was late evening, and Bella had just canceled an evening of watching movies with my family in favor of cuddling on her bed. We had been alone together for several hours already, and although I could hear Alice's complaints over the phone, Bella promptly hung up and turned back to me.

Her soft lips were pressing tender kisses to my face before I had a chance to comment on anything. I didn't push her away, but her closeness had my throat burning and aching. Despite the time we had spent together today I was still not acclimated to her scent – the desperation for her blood was still great enough that I could hardly force the venom back. I would never tell her, but the last three weeks had been an absolutely painful, heaven sent, torture. I silently enjoyed her kisses for a few moments, before reaching up and taking her face gently between my hands.

Bella's gorgeous, deep brown eyes closed at my cool touch, her breath escaping in a content little sigh. I was momentarily stunned by the concentration of her scent when she exhaled, when she opened her mouth, when she was this close to me. It was almost too much. The floral scent completely halted my train of thought for a few moments, and it was only after a few painful seconds had passed that I heard her quiet voice. "Oh, I'm sorry Edward."

Her words gave me another concentrated burst of pure, delectable freesia, and my thought process stalled again. It took me a half second to come back this time around, and I was able to enjoy the stutter of her heart as I gave her my best crooked smile. "Don't worry, I'm alright." I kept my voice smooth, but I still wasn't sure if she believed my outright lie.

Before she could say anything I leaned forward, pausing only a fraction of a second before pressing my lips to hers. She was so soft, so warm, and so very breakable. I always had to be extremely careful with the force I used, and always had to scale back how much I truly wanted to kiss her. But that didn't mean I didn't enjoy this as well. Her tender kisses were yet another gift she continually gave me.

As usual, we broke away only when Bella needed air. She gave me a truly beautiful smile as she tried to calm her breathing again, her hand coming up to cup my cheek even as my own hands slithered down to her waist. I closed my eyes against the warmth, letting out a sigh of my own as her fingers gently stroked the faint shadows under my eyes.

"You don't have to resist." Her words were quiet, but not afraid. And they thrilled me beyond anything else imaginable. I wasn't even sure I could pretend to resist.

_Alice had had yet another of her vampire Bella visions that same morning. She had been out hunting with Jasper when she saw them, and since I wasn't close enough at the time, I got only what she wanted to show me._

_Bella pale white, hard-skinned, sparkling in the sun. Bella with red eyes, running away from all of us. Bella with teeth bared, murdering every human she came across. _

_But that couldn't be her. Not my loving, generous, human Bella. The future was subjective anyway. It changed, according to our decisions. I had decided a long time ago that I would simply not change her - ever. I had to believe my ultimate love for her would rule out all of these other futures. I had to hope._

"Bella, love, you don't have to." My protest sounded weak, even to my ears. There was absolutely no resolve in my voice, and already my mouth was watering even more than usual. I swallowed back the bitter venom, quite sure the sound was audible even to her human ears.

"I want to," she answered rather simply, her smile and eerie confidence never faltering. I absolutely couldn't read her expression. That feeling of having no idea what she was thinking unsettled me, more so today than usual.

I buried my face into her neck, increasing the torture by putting my mouth that much closer to her throbbing pulse point. The crackling flames in my throat erupted into a roaring fire. "But why, Bella, why?" I mumbled into her skin, reveling in the unbelievable fragrance of her blood.

This time there was a pause. "I love you," she finally said, though the tone of her voice was ambiguous. I wasn't quite sure if it was her reason or a mere statement of fact, but I didn't stop to find out. My thirst was starting to overpower reason, and the prospect of drinking her blood, tasting the sweetest of drinks, was blocking out any other thoughts.

"And I you." My reply was muffled against her skin, and some deep part of me protested it. There was a tiny corner of my mind, almost inaudible, telling me that I couldn't possibly love her. Telling me that if I did love her, I wouldn't be doing this to her. I would have put forth a great effort to convince this part of me otherwise... but I wanted her blood too badly.

Bella, who had been cuddling up against me, rolled over from her side to her back. I shifted to my side, propping my head up in my hand to see her better. Her position momentarily confused me. Every time I had tasted her blood, it had been from either her wrists or the soft crease of her elbow. I didn't dare take it too close to her heart, for fear of it being harder to stop.

Assuming she was only lying back for comfort, I let my free hand trail up the length of her left arm, circling back down to rest my fingers lightly on her wrist. I was about to lift up her hand to my face when I felt a minuscule tug from her. My fingers released her wrist immediately, my eyes seeking an explanation in hers. I was ready to deny myself the moment she asked, but so far there had been no need. I found myself desperately hoping this wouldn't be the first time.

Bella didn't say anything. Instead she smiled, closed her eyes, and then turned her head away from me, onto the pillow. A small gasp escaped my lips as I saw her nearly translucent pale skin, and the pulsing veins just underneath. The realization had hit me like a thousand bricks – she wanted me to drink from her neck, the most impossible of places. I shrunk back from the idea instantly, both mentally and physically. "Bella, I can't. I won't be able to stop."

"You will. I trust you." Her soft voice reflected her words, and for a split second – a very dangerous second – I believed her. My body leaned back towards her of its own accord, seeking its sustenance. I repositioned myself next to her, but a little lower, so that my mouth was in easy reach of her neck. The tiny voice of reason in my head was reprimanding me, berating me endlessly for being convinced so easily. The monster within me promptly drowned it out, urging me to feed.

With a small sigh I kissed her neck, right over the spot where I could distinctly smell her blood closest to the surface. She faintly trembled, but otherwise stayed perfectly still, a disconcerting ability she had mastered. Her blood was so close...

I trailed my free hand up to rest on her jaw, using the other arm to sustain myself over her. Slowly, cautiously, I opened my mouth. The densely concentrated scent of her, so sweet and delicious, was everywhere – I could almost taste it already. I pressed the very edges of my teeth, so lightly, onto her skin, prolonging the anticipation for just a moment longer. And then with the tiniest of pressures, her delectable, sweet blood was flowing.

The incision I made was small, not quite enough, but for the moment I tried not to mind. I nursed the wound gently, pulling out a painfully small amount of blood at a time. It trickled into my mouth, every drop driving me wild. The indescribable taste was nothing short of amazing. The venom that had been overflowing in my mouth seconds ago flowed into her, causing what I knew would be a searing, burning pain. I almost didn't care. The need for her blood was too great.

_Every time was better than the last. Every time I felt like I reached a new dizzying high, a more thorough drunkenness. This should have scared me, I think. I should have been aware that eventually this would lead to being unable to stop. But I was arrogant... or maybe just stupid. _

_Yes, that sounds right. A stupid and terrible demonic monster._

The time was passing too quickly, seconds ticking by too fast. Perhaps because of the location, because of the closeness of this blood to her heart, this particular time her blood tasted sweeter. I hadn't thought the incredible taste could have gotten better, but I had been wrong. This time it was more delicious, more tantalizing, more maddening. I wanted to draw out the nearly mind-numbing pleasure, hold on to it for just a minute longer. I had waited so long for this...

Bella squirmed lightly under me, but I hardly felt it. My grip on her jaw tightened almost imperceptibly; my mind wanted her still to decrease the danger, my thirst wanted her moving to heighten the thrill. It became a fight for dominance.

As the seconds ticked by, I could feel the thirst gaining ground. Before I could force my drunken mind to regain control, the overpowering addiction stepped in. The addiction took over.

I released her jaw, my hand ghosting down to rest lightly on her waist. I applied no pressure, instead mentally urging her to fight against me, to make this more exciting. The darkest part of me smirked in some sort of sick delight when Bella gasped in pain. Instead of stopping me, it only pushed the predator that I was for more. I pressed my teeth to her skin again, this time to make her wound bigger, to make the trickle of blood greater.

Then I completely closed my lips over the wound, latching my mouth onto her neck. Her blood was filling my mouth now, more than I had ever allowed it. I faintly heard a weak voice in the background, but the words were lost to me. My mind was in a frenzied fog, unable to process anything except for the maddening taste of her blood. It was the hit for my addiction, so delicious that I never wanted to stop.

I _wouldn't_ stop.

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**author's note: I intended for this story to be written in three parts, but to do so would have either forced a very long chapter or removed some things I feel are almost necessary. I will try to get the final chapter up as soon as I get back home. Read and review please :)**


	4. Personal Promises

**Personal Promises**

"Edward... too much... ungh. It's burning... Edward, _stop!_"

Noise. Meaningless noise. My prey was struggling under me, trying to fight off my far superior strength. It thrilled me to my very core. The hand that had been innocently resting on her waist tightened its hold considerably, my body seeking to control her, reaffirm my dominance. I heard a feral snarl rip through me as I greedily savored every last drop of her blood. I fully intended to make this last as long as possible.

Her weak hands were pushing against me, as softly as a feather's caress. I could tell she was trying her hardest to throw me off, but it hardly phased me. The taste of blood was all I was even registering – there existed no other sound, sight, or feeling. It was some sort of supernatural state of being. Heaven itself – or perhaps hell – had come to my place on Earth. It was glorious.

"Edward, please..." The white noise continued, but this time it didn't come alone. Together with the frail voice came a sudden stillness. Her struggling became immensely weaker for a few seconds before stopping altogether.

Two things happened nearly simultaneously, and for the remainder of my existence, I may never know which happened first.

"_Please stop..."_ Bella's fragile whisper suddenly, inexplicably, managed to pierce through the fog of my feeding. Within the same hundredth of a second I realized with the utmost horror the wrongness of my actions. And by the second hundredth of that same second I was throwing myself away from her, my body soundly crashing into the opposite wall.

At least, I _think. _Because at that precise moment – within the same exact fraction of time – I also felt two tiny hands grasping my shirt from behind, tugging and throwing me against the wall as well. Alice's words flooded my mind moments afterward.

_You did it again! You _idiot,_ how could you let this happen!? Was the first and second and stupid millionth time not enough for you? I can't believe you would take the risk after my vision this morning. I was a moron to let you be alone with her..._ _she must be nearly dead, you had better hope she recovers from this... _My sister was pinning me up against the wall as her thoughts relentlessly poured into my mind; a string of curses and expletives and harsh words I knew I deserved.

I let her berate me as much as she wished, doing nothing to struggle against her strangulating hold. As much as my body _longed_ to keep feeding – and it truly did, so much so it was painful – I didn't want to fight my sister. I couldn't, especially knowing how right she was, how she was defending her adopted sister. My arms hung limp at my side as she held me up by the collar of my shirt, her golden eyes blazing with fury.

Then quite abruptly, her abusive thoughts ceased and she turned to bolt towards Bella. Alice's realization hit me a fraction of a second later – _the venom is still in her body_. My beloved, pale and weak, let out a strangled cry of pain as Alice reached her, both hands clutching her neck. Her fragile body was curling on itself, writhing in what I knew was horrific pain. Suddenly I only wanted one thing – to save her.

I launched myself away from the wall at Bella, desperate to cleanse her, undo my terrible actions. But midway through the air I hit a rock solid wall, which launched me back into place, shaking the foundations of the house. The motion was accompanied by a deadly hiss from my sister. _Stay away from her._

Without waiting for an answer my sister turned her attention back to Bella, immediately forcing her hands away from her neck. I watched in a mixture of horror and jealousy as Alice lowered her lips to the spot where my teeth had been mere moments earlier. The flames in my throat erupted painfully as I imagined the first few drops of venom-laced blood leaving the veins, touching the tongue...

The change in Alice was visible. I could see the strain in the tense muscles of her neck, the way her whole body froze in place. She, who had so cautiously abstained for decades, didn't have nearly as much experience with human blood as I did. She couldn't possibly know how unclear the mind became during a feeding, how everything was lost except the desire for blood. The possibility that she would be unable to stop was so real... and for some reason, I didn't try to stop her again. I didn't trust myself too.

I could hear Alice swallowing drop by drop, without pause. Her thoughts were a nearly unintelligible jumble – _blood, Bella, venom, so good.._. Seconds ticked slowly by. I found myself tightly grasping and crushing the first thing my right hand came into contact with, which turned out to be a very unfortunate jewelry holder. The tension in the room was tangible, evident even in my own frozen posture. I was desperately fighting the desire to go to Bella – I was afraid to. Afraid of my sister hurting her in an attempt to get me away. Afraid of attacking her again. Afraid of giving my sadistic addiction any more ground.

Four seconds later, give or take a few tenths, Bella suddenly opened her eyes, crying out in pain. "Stop, oh please stop!"Her back arched in pain, her frail body struggling against Alice's iron grip. The sight was heart wrenching, and I started to her without a second thought. But I never reached her. Just as suddenly as it had begun, her struggling stopped. Her body fell limp onto the bed, and within the millisecond Alice was panting heavily next to me, placing a restraining hand on my arm. My sister's eyes were wild, her whole appearance in disarray, and yet her thoughts were oddly calm. _She's going to be okay... barely, but she is._

I could distinctly hear that Bella's heart was still beating, weakly trying to circulate the blood left in her system. Her breathing was ragged and uneven, denoting the incredible stress her body had just undergone. Eventually she rolled on to her side, wincing when she lifted her left hand to the sealed wound on her neck. She curled up into fetal position, eyes clenched shut and face contorted with lingering pain. The image shattered me into a thousand pieces.

Alice and I watched silently, both frozen in place. I knew there were other things we had to be doing – bringing her food, some sort of sweet drink, perhaps even an emergency transfusion, but it was impossible to move. The full weight of my guilt, of utter self-loathing, settled heavily on my shoulders and completely paralyzed me.

My sister reacted first. The space besides me was abruptly empty, and I heard clattering downstairs as Alice rifled through the cupboards and fridge. She came back upstairs with a glass of apple juice and some pastry, grimacing. _Bella hasn't done the grocery shopping_. It was a statement, one that I didn't get to answer before Alice was sitting on the bed, cautiously holding out the juice like an offering.

I'm not sure if Bella smelled the food, or felt the minute shift on the bed as my sister sat, but her eyes opened slowly. She looked slowly between my face and Alice's, her own slowly settling into an expression of bewilderment. "Alice?" she asked in a faint whisper, the weakness obvious even in her voice. It was obvious in her next question that Bella hadn't realized what had just taken place. "What are you doing here?"

Alice let out a tiny sigh, then placed the food on the bedside table. She gingerly scooted back until she was perched on the very end of the bed – I could tell she was hardly breathing. "I came to help you, Bella... _save_ you."

Bella furrowed her eyebrows in further confusion, and I could almost hear the silent gears of her mind turning. She finally focused her gaze on me, an unexplainable love in her eyes. "From what?"

The question, so simple and innocent, broke my trance. I rushed to her side, dropping down to my knees in front of her. Alice tensed but didn't stop me, something I considered a good sign. I leaned my elbows on the bed and hid my face in my hands, afraid to look at her, touch her. "From me... From the horrific monster that I am. I should never have done this to you."

It was at that moment that I noticed the confusion and surprise in my sister's mind. She wasn't looking at me at all – she was looking at Bella. Her mouth opened and then closed, and I could tell she was struggling to formulate appropriate words, put the puzzle together.

"He was going to stop," Bella said as she turned to face Alice, complete conviction in her voice. There wasn't a trace of doubt, not even when she turned back to me. "You were going to stop." Her gentle hand reached out, attempting to pry my hands away from my face. I gave in to her, but refused to meet her eyes as her hand stroked my cheek tenderly.

"Not in time." Alice's clipped words took me by surprise. There was a certain frigidness in her expression, in her eyes. I couldn't quite tell from where her anger stemmed – her thoughts were in a flurry, never lingering on any one image. It was both intentional and disconcerting, so I tried to stop listening.

Meanwhile Bella had started worrying her bottom lip, her eyes focused on the floor next to Alice. There was something in the nervous way she avoided looking at us, in the way she still held on to her closed wound... The realization hit Alice and I at the same time. "That's what you wanted." I spoke first, a sort of disbelief obvious in my voice.

Alice finished the thought for me, her tone still cold, flat. "To be changed. You were_ hoping_ he wouldn't be able to stop."

_Bella first revealed her desire for transformation the night of her junior prom. I had disregarded the idea as ridiculous – I did not plan to ever strip from her her humanity. She had insisted from time to time after that, but as of late that had nearly ceased. I thought she had finally let the idea go, that she was content with the situation as it was._

_Reflecting on Bella's stubbornness, I don't know why I ever believed this. I never should have been so stupid. _

I could tell Bella was uncomfortable with this being brought to light, but this didn't stop me from pressing the issue. "I could have killed you Bella. If it hadn't been for Alice, I probably would have." My voice was icier now, nearly emotionless – it pained me to speak to her this way. I tried to mask my own self-loathing as I forced myself to get up and move away from the bed, and away from her.

"No, you wouldn't have. You would never kill me." My love's face became the perfect image of stubbornness; jaw set, eyes narrowed, and lips turned down in a minuscule pout, she looked ready to face me down.

Alice pressed her lips together in a thin line, hands clenched into fists on her lap. "Why do you think I showed up? Because I saw that he was going to stop? Because you were really going to be okay?" Her voice dropped down to a whisper at the end, the fury in her eyes slowly dying. It was in a moment of clarity that I saw the real reason of my sister's previous anger – she had honestly feared for the life of her adopted sister. Her anger was like that of a protective mother, furious when a child of hers was in danger.

It was unsettling to her to realize that this was what Bella had wanted.

"I wasn't in danger. Not really." Silence followed her words. I desperately tried to think of a way to convince her otherwise, to demonstrate how truly deadly I was. Alice was starting to have doubts about whether she had even done the right thing. She had drained the venom because she knew that's what I wanted, and because that's what she believed Bella would have wanted as well. But to hear that it was against Bella's wishes to be saved was throwing her off balance. A part of my sister was starting to wish she had done the opposite thing, and saved us all future grief. I couldn't let this train of thought continue.

"Can I please speak to Bella, Alice?" I barely whispered the words, but I knew they both heard them. Bella's eyes widened but she immediately nodded, giving Alice a pleading look. I saw my sister give me a warning glance as she stood up, that protective fury flashing for a brief moment. She didn't want to leave us alone, but couldn't find any other future. _Only because she wants me to. Make sure you take care of her. I'm going to be waiting at home._

Then she was gone, casting a quick glance outside before disappearing out the window. As soon as she was gone Bella extended her hand out to where I was standing at the foot of the bed. "Come back, please."

Her voice broke through my careful mask, and I wanted desperately to comfort her in my arms. But I knew that I couldn't. I knew that it was wrong, to take so much from her and still want more. I shook my head slowly, keeping my eyes away from hers. "This shouldn't have happened. None of this should have ever happened." I let the heaviness of my guilt, the intense hatred towards my actions filter into my voice. She needed to see that this was wrong. Being together was wrong.

Bella's eyes widened, her arm dropping to the bed lifelessly. There was a trace of horror creeping into her expression, and I could tell she knew where this was going. "What? This was nothing, I feel perfectly fine. Don't say it shouldn't have happened." Her words tumbled out quickly, tripping over each other. I could hear panic start to surface in her words.

"I need to leave, Bella. I need to overcome this... addiction. It isn't good for you." That was perhaps the understatement of the century, but I didn't want her arguing with me. I quietly ghosted to the bedside table, taking the glass of juice and nearly forcing it into Bella's limp hands. "Drink. Eat. You need to recover."

With those words I headed over to the window, my gaze focused entirely on the mildly gloomy day outside. I wanted to leave, get away from the delicious and tempting scent that saturated the room, but Bella's voice stopped me. "Don't go." I heard the glass being placed on the table again, and the rustle of cloth. When I turned around again she was trying to stand, but before she was halfway up her legs gave out underneath her. I caught her a brief moment before her body hit the bed, lowering her softly onto the covers.

"I can't stay. It's too dangerous." I was about to attempt to walk away again when I felt the frailest of holds on my arm. She was holding on to my forearm with both of her hands, apparently doing her best to keep me by her side.

Her expression was unreadable. There was a brief moment of silence, and then she spoke again. "I don't c-... please stay. For a little while."

To see her so weak, so frail... it finished destroying me. I swallowed back my guilt and quietly nodded, lifting her tenderly to make room for me on the bed. I sat next to her, my back against the headboard, cradling her like so many times before. Even as I took care of her, as I coaxed her to eat and drink, I could only think of how much I had hurt her. How I was so wrong for her. How I desperately needed to leave.

_The call for her blood was too great. I couldn't resist – not properly. Bella was stubborn, convincing, and somehow had a complete disregard for her own safety. It was a dangerous combination, which I knew couldn't last._

_The first few times I had been able to stop. It was difficult, and had required a tremendous effort, but it had been possible. The last time... I wasn't so sure. And I wasn't willing to test myself any further. I was almost certain that Alice wouldn't come to the rescue a second time._

_So that night when I had left, I had made a promise to myself. A solemn oath, that if I were to _ever_ hurt Bella again, for whatever reason... I would leave. Permanently. _

_And I planned on keeping my promise._

_

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_**author's note:**__**I'm terribly sorry for not having this posted sooner, but my laptop bitterly refused to let me upload it. That and summer research and vacation unpacking and gaming. Crazy stuff ;)**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's left a review on this story, I very much appreciate it. This story has been very different to write, but also enjoyable in a weird Edwardish way. And as a brief aside - when my story description says "Pre-NM" I _did_ mean that it would lead into New Moon... tsk tsk for anyone who thought I could possibly take Edward so far as to _truly_ hurt Bella. He wouldn't let me anyway, that silly vampire.**

**Read, review, and thanks for following along :)  
**


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